How can you tell if a Blonde is a good cook

[salenfl05]

Q: How can you tell if a Blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Q: Did you hear about the Blonde who died drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How can you tell if a Blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: Why did the Blonde have to drink a hot Pepsi?
A: Because she couldn't fit any ice into the bottle.

Q: What did the Blonde do when she broke her tupperware?
A: Called the plastic surgeon.
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Q: What is the difference between butter and a Blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.

Q: What do Blondes and McDonald's have in common?
A: Over five billion served.

Q: Why can't Blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.

Q: What did the Blonde do when her friend said that she saw a hot guy in the cafeteria?
A: She ran over there and poured a bucket of water over of him.
( Submitted by 'Quinn' )

[yiqianchi]

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[yiqianchi]

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[salenfl05]

A cop stops a guy for running a stop sign.

The driver immediately protests "Oh come on, I slowed down! Stop, slow down, what's the difference?"

The cop politely says, "Step out of the car please", and then proceeds to hit the driver with his nightstick.
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While swinging away, the cop asks "Sir, would you like me to stop or slow down?!"

[salenfl05]

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
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SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

[salenfl05]

Windows 95 Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
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Windows 98 Beer:
See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.

[salenfl05]

Living in Scotland and sticking to tradition I try my best to always wear my kilt, unfortunately so does my Blonde neighbor who is originally from the US. He says he came here to get back to his roots and so has decided to wear a kilt. When he first came over he had not worn a kilt before and so asked me for advise.Indiana Pacers jerseys
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I guess he decided to ask me so as not to look foolish in front of others, he saved that privilege for me instead. The thing that really makes him Blonde is that he asked me if it would be alright for him to wear some of his wife's thick stockings during winter or if that would go against tradition? So if you see a crazy Scot wearing women's clothing, tell him I said hi.

[salenfl05]

Q: How do you know if a Blonde has been working on your computer?
A: There's WHITE OUT on the screen.

Q: How do you know if another Blondes been using the same computer?
A: There's writing on the WHITE OUT.

Q: Why do Blondes use WHITE OUT on their computer screen's?
A: Because they couldn't find their eraser.
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Q: How do you confuse a Blonde?
A: Set her down at a Macintosh computer, and tell her to right click on something.

Q: What's the difference between a light bulb and a Blonde?
A: A light bulb may be smarter but its easier to turn a Blonde on.

Q: Did you hear about the Blonde who just bought an AM radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

[salenfl05]

"I'd get over it if I were you." replies the bartender. "Just think, she'll be so grateful and no matter how loaded you are you won't be all stressed-out trying to keep it up and end up resorting to soft-packing."

"I'll give it a try. And now, get me a double Manhattan!"

Our hero stumbles in the house blind drunk and having a hard time containing his guts. "I'll get this over quick and hope not to upchuck all over her." he thinks. "I don't EVEN want to see it," he tells himself and so goes into the bedroom without even turning on the light and dives straight under the covers at the foot of the bed.

The response in incredible!
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Our hero's response is an incredible wave of nausea so he rushes into the bathroom where he sees his wife sitting on the toilet taking a tinkle.

"I don't know how you beat me in here." he says "But be quick! I've got an emergency!"

"Shut up you damn drunk." she hisses. "Your mother's in there trying to sleep!!"

[salenfl05]

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think *you're* going to find a lawyer?"
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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.